cheunghuifung's Xanga

'工作' 近半年: 籠裡的石頭鳥

Mon, 30 Nov 2009 17:06:59 GMT

我在這半年幾乎每天都在想同一組問題
想到我很累, 甚至幾乎厭倦
想到...

"我又專心究察智慧和知識，狂妄和愚昧，才知道這也是捕風。
因為多有智慧，就多有煩惱；加增知識，就加增痛苦。" (Ecclesiastes 1:17-18)

"傳道者說：虛空的虛空。虛空的虛空，一切都是虛空。
人的一切勞碌，就是他在日光之下的勞碌，對自己有甚麼益處呢？" (Ecclesiastes 1:2-3))

"...你必終生勞苦，才能從地裡得吃的。
地要給你長出荊棘和蒺藜來；你也要吃田間的蔬菜；
你必汗流滿面，才有飯吃，
直到你歸回地土，因為你是從地土取出來的；你既然是塵土，就要歸回塵土。” (Genesis 3:17-19)

"我曾用智慧專心尋求查究天下所發生的一切事；
原來　神給予世人的，是勞苦的擔子，叫他們為此煩惱。" (Ecclesiastes 1:13)

的而且確, 傳道者是對的
"萬事都令人厭倦，
人說，說不盡；眼看，看不飽；耳聽，聽不足。" (Ecclesiastes 1:8)
地上的事, 令人厭倦

事業, 前途, 柴米油鹽醬醋茶...
謀殺了多少人的理想和夢想
騎劫了多少人的愛心
危害了多少信心
搶走了多少愛神的心
我開始明白為何他們都說初出工作是個關口

煩擾的世事, 貪婪的吞吃每一分飄浮的心思

這半年,
我時而極力的呼求, 時而虛浮的沉默

然而, 等候的功課要做好

先撇除未來的各種
手上的功課還未學好
人能說任何的言語做任何的事情, 不應放在心上的, 還是無聊的有點兒那個
時候到了, 祂自然會用全然的公義審判
明知要盡忠, 卻閒懶了
明知不要論斷人, 還是有點意見
明知要順服當權者, 心底裡卻還是做不好
明知要愛人如己, 還是有分別
對於看到的聽到的得到的, 無論是苦是甜, 還未能全都感恩

不過, 愛讓生存安慰
Yea, life without love is a complete fuzz

Where Should I Go from Here?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 15:30:06 GMT

I try to grasp this feeling I have

It's complicated

God only knows but myself

It's like my burning throat being fed with the pure liquor

A burning thought in a void like nothing, and yet it is still more than the fading dust

It burns the hands

It sucks the heart dry

It drags the mood

With the heavy expense of my time and youth, a resolution is just lying there

So near to be caught

So clear to be told

But it is still a resolution that resolves nothing

A resolution with a disguise of void

I don't know if that is real or not

So I am just stoned

Completely stoned

Hesitated

Indecisional

Clouded

Feeling this void

Why don't I just move on?

I Just Can't Get That...

Wed, 23 Sep 2009 15:07:00 GMT

As I walk by, I come across a lot of stories
About myself and others
I just can't stop thinking about the world
And I can't pause that at all...

Today my feelings point me to a song: "Twenty Years" by Placebo
I think about the things I have done, those I am doing and those I plan to do
I have been wrong
I am surely far from perfect
And yet the damages and mistakes were done
When I eye my past
Every right side of right, right side of wrong
Every wrong side of wrong and the wrong side of wrong
I just get confused
Cuz I can well be wrong about everything I am doing
And I am messing everything up
But it seems only when they become the past, I will then truly know whether I am right or wrong
Only the time can tell

I think about my career
Cloudy again
What do I want to do?
What am I doing here?
I had some definite answers before
But now the tidings are changing
And yet my ability is shrinking selectively
So that is forever and ever?
Theoretically nope
Then do I want to do it why do I want to do it how much do I want to do it how far can I do it
Goes on and on and on.....like a merry-go-round
But I am not the merry-go-round keeper
I thought I had walked past this crossroad
Then all in a flash I return to the crossing point
No motivation, No resolution
No courage, No steps
No true thoughts then no true value
No true value then no true decision

Personal choices
More and more I like the sound of it
Best if I am doing the right one
But what is meant by 'right'?
Well...with a wider frame, actually that is not much of a big deal
Time will crawl
Time will tell

Sounds like a simple thing being manipulated too much

"Twenty Years" by Placebo, from "Once More With Feeling"

"There are twenty years to go
And twenty ways to know who will wear the hat.

There are twenty years to go,
The best of all I hope.
Enjoy the ride, the medicine show.

And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
We need to concentrate on more then meets the eye.

There are twenty years to go,
The faithful and the low.
The best of starts, the broken heart, the stone.
There are twenty years the go,
The punch drunk and the blow.
The worst of starts, the mercy part, the phone.

And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
We need to concentrate on more then meets the eye.
And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
But it's you I take 'cause your the truth not I.

There are twenty years to go.
A golden age I know.
But all will pass, will end to fast, you know.

There are twenty years to go,
and many friends I hope.
Though some may hold the rose some hold the rope.

And that's the end and that's the start of it.
That's the whole and that's the part of it.
That's the high and that's the heart of it.
That's the long and that's the short of it.
That's the best and that's the test in it.
That's the doubt, the doubt,
The trust in it.
That's the sight and that's the sound of it.
That's the gift and that's the trick in it.

You're the truth not I."

I Don't Even Care

Fri, 14 Aug 2009 19:44:15 GMT

有天你發現我並不在焉
就該知道要去的不要留

Siege Of Notions To The Self-Esteem

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 18:03:23 GMT

甘於平淡的我
並不打算把自己打造成個狠角色
平平淡淡就好了

但我今天竟然有種強烈的失敗感
赤裸地正面面對有些事實和現象
感覺蠻極端
不久又消失了

少有少有, 真奇特

在 Lab 生涯: 旨意和斷層

Tue, 14 Jul 2009 18:18:25 GMT

上月未, 終回 Lab 工作
實不諱言, 我實在未休息夠 (我的 Final Year 很是勞碌, 但我不會形容這作辛苦)
工作至今已有多時
卻驚覺一個我從未預料到的斷層

放下了的生活, 要再拿上手
心裏不知從何開始
但東西還不是那個樣子, 還不是同出一徹?
是哪裡來的變遷?

因為, 從眼中許多的 Observations, 到 Thesis Writing, 許多和豐的討論, 和一席與友人賞心的對話
在一個晴朗的五月天, 答案就已劃定了
我又怎會不知道我有多少斤兩
只是, 重的可以減磅, 輕的可以增肥
理論上, 斤兩不是個最重要的問題
最重要的還是心意
我就是拿不到心態該怎樣
心裡不知該調較成怎樣
暫時只確定這是個盡忠的功課

東西拿在手上也是個問題
我記憶一向都不好, 卻原來竟爛到這地步
做過的都忘了, 該記得都記不來 (難怪成績不好 But I ain't got NO SHAME for it)
可憐我的 Logbook 太像一本不修篇幅的畫簿
甚麼都有點, 卻全都沒記錄齊全

各樣加起來, 就是一個八呎鴻溝般的斷層
一個學年都是這樣的過
停了一陣子, 就竟要再適應
從兩腳, 到兩手, 到頭腦, 都跟我說要時間去習慣
真可笑

暫時就是這樣的走下去
對不對, 夠不夠應付之後的
就不確定了.........

我很清楚我要甚麼
但我是如何的微小

我把前路交托
感恩祂是聽禱告的神, 和祂一路的帶領
一路都有許多我不配得的恩典
感謝主

Silent Grief | Surreal: Wonder & Fear

Wed, 17 Jun 2009 21:20:33 GMT

In a day I come across some stories and feelings
Stories of others
And the feelings of mine
I just cannot stop my every sigh

Is it all fate or luck or destiny that governs beneath?
That is so unreliable, you know
I cannot be satisfied
But yet there is nothing else can give any account
Things just happen
They fell on me because of destiny?
They didn't fall on me because of luck?
I don't believe any of these bollocks at all
And yet I cannot take all of these anymore, almost

And I wonder
If someday I come to lose all I cherish
How should I do with it
Then I feel a profound fear inside
Because there is no rules in this world at all
And everything can just happen

All in a sudden I doubt what is real
What else is otherwise
True can be false can be real
False can be true can be fake

So it is the Gandalf's best sentence "It's about how you do with it in the given time", right?
If destiny is true, the next question will mark at 'choice'
Why am I here? How will I be?
How should I know now?
How can I know anyway?

But it is just that I can see despairs and disorders everywhere
I can see them 'round every corner
I feel like a riot is coming soon

VIIV | V For Vendetta

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 18:59:47 GMT

第一次六四到維園

黨是這樣的害怕
若不是心裏有鬼, 何必在天安門廣場加派如此多的軍警
和大量升級的打壓

高壓不會有好結果

這一切讓我想起電影 V For Vendetta (超強力推介)
Adam Sutler 和 V
但願人民的集中力量, 就是 V

總覺得趙紫陽在天安門演說 "我們老了, 沒所謂" 時
他已預算到自己的結果
可憐他成為政治角力的犧牲品
趙紫陽也算是個英雄人物

望民主精神薪火相傳

六四 | 決定 | 未來

Wed, 03 Jun 2009 19:27:19 GMT

看見國家如何處理六四
還是一樣的封鎖, 一樣的逃避, 一樣的刻意扭曲
令我非常的痛心
事情發生而成為事實, 是的確無法改變
選擇不正面面對, 真的對國家有益嗎?
政治因素真值得人把對錯是非巔倒?

我們的國家為什麼總是包庇一些做錯事的人?

看見我們的吉米在台上這樣的型, 把玩著她愛玩的 Bass
心裏很是快慰
要回耳膜的我現在很累
在雨最瘋狂的時候步行15分鐘回家感覺不好玩
但腦袋不想停

我好像越長大, 越不知我想怎樣
做事越來越沒條理, 越來越沒交帶
越來越不知該到那裏去才好
越來越甚麼也沒所謂

我就像站在十字路口
有很多條路可走, 卻走那條都沒所謂
走那條才好呢?
可恨的是我看不見我的成功
決定難下....

有趣的是心情卻一點也不差, 也不很困擾
只是覺得四肢酸痛, 很想多睡點
我看我的主和父母照顧得我太好了

在我的眼中沒有他們眼中的未來
But I think I know why
I am dreamless
I do not have a dream that they dream of
I am not attracted to the things that can draw their eye
I do not have the vision of future like they do
I do not measure things in the same way like they do
I do not seek what they seek

But then I do not know how to balance both sides, yet. Oh~

更甚是我是馬克思的 Fan 屎
我管我的 Surplus Value 管得很嚴
我才不把我的 Surplus Value 輕易給人
那我一定是個壞員工了, 哈哈

真係好攰

Sun, 17 May 2009 09:04:32 GMT

無講笑

我覺得呢個 Degree 令我折左五年陽壽
真係好鬼 Burnt Out

好想停

我一直覺得人生係唔應該咁樣過