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| I try to grasp this feeling I have It's complicated God only knows but myself It's like my burning throat being fed with the pure liquor A burning thought in a void like nothing, and yet it is still more than the fading dust It burns the hands It sucks the heart dry It drags the mood
With the heavy expense of my time and youth, a resolution is just lying there So near to be caught So clear to be told
But it is still a resolution that resolves nothing A resolution with a disguise of void I don't know if that is real or not So I am just stoned Completely stoned Hesitated Indecisional Clouded Feeling this void Why don't I just move on? | | |
| As I walk by, I come across a lot of stories
About myself and others
I just can't stop thinking about the world
And I can't pause that at all...
Today my feelings point me to a song: "Twenty Years" by Placebo
I think about the things I have done, those I am doing and those I plan to do
I have been wrong
I am surely far from perfect
And yet the damages and mistakes were done
When I eye my past
Every right side of right, right side of wrong
Every wrong side of wrong and the wrong side of wrong
I just get confused
Cuz I can well be wrong about everything I am doing
And I am messing everything up
But it seems only when they become the past, I will then truly know whether I am right or wrong
Only the time can tell
I think about my career
Cloudy again
What do I want to do?
What am I doing here?
I had some definite answers before
But now the tidings are changing
And yet my ability is shrinking selectively
So that is forever and ever?
Theoretically nope
Then do I want to do it why do I want to do it how much do I want to do it how far can I do it
Goes on and on and on.....like a merry-go-round
But I am not the merry-go-round keeper
I thought I had walked past this crossroad
Then all in a flash I return to the crossing point
No motivation, No resolution
No courage, No steps
No true thoughts then no true value
No true value then no true decision
Personal choices
More and more I like the sound of it
Best if I am doing the right one
But what is meant by 'right'?
Well...with a wider frame, actually that is not much of a big deal
Time will crawl
Time will tell
Sounds like a simple thing being manipulated too much
"Twenty Years" by Placebo, from "Once More With Feeling"
"There are twenty years to go
And twenty ways to know who will wear the hat.
There are twenty years to go,
The best of all I hope.
Enjoy the ride, the medicine show.
And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
We need to concentrate on more then meets the eye.
There are twenty years to go,
The faithful and the low.
The best of starts, the broken heart, the stone.
There are twenty years the go,
The punch drunk and the blow.
The worst of starts, the mercy part, the phone.
And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
We need to concentrate on more then meets the eye.
And thems the breaks for we designer fakes.
But it's you I take 'cause your the truth not I.
There are twenty years to go.
A golden age I know.
But all will pass, will end to fast, you know.
There are twenty years to go,
and many friends I hope.
Though some may hold the rose some hold the rope.
And that's the end and that's the start of it.
That's the whole and that's the part of it.
That's the high and that's the heart of it.
That's the long and that's the short of it.
That's the best and that's the test in it.
That's the doubt, the doubt,
The trust in it.
That's the sight and that's the sound of it.
That's the gift and that's the trick in it.
You're the truth not I."
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| 甘於平淡的我
並不打算把自己打造成個狠角色
平平淡淡就好了
但我今天竟然有種強烈的失敗感
赤裸地正面面對有些事實和現象
感覺蠻極端
不久又消失了
少有少有, 真奇特 
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| 上月未, 終回 Lab 工作
實不諱言, 我實在未休息夠 (我的 Final Year 很是勞碌, 但我不會形容這作辛苦)
工作至今已有多時
卻驚覺一個我從未預料到的斷層
放下了的生活, 要再拿上手
心裏不知從何開始
但東西還不是那個樣子, 還不是同出一徹?
是哪裡來的變遷?
因為, 從眼中許多的 Observations, 到 Thesis Writing, 許多和豐的討論, 和一席與友人賞心的對話
在一個晴朗的五月天, 答案就已劃定了
我又怎會不知道我有多少斤兩
只是, 重的可以減磅, 輕的可以增肥
理論上, 斤兩不是個最重要的問題
最重要的還是心意
我就是拿不到心態該怎樣
心裡不知該調較成怎樣
暫時只確定這是個盡忠的功課
東西拿在手上也是個問題
我記憶一向都不好, 卻原來竟爛到這地步
做過的都忘了, 該記得都記不來 (難怪成績不好 But I ain't got NO SHAME for it)
可憐我的 Logbook 太像一本不修篇幅的畫簿
甚麼都有點, 卻全都沒記錄齊全
各樣加起來, 就是一個八呎鴻溝般的斷層
一個學年都是這樣的過
停了一陣子, 就竟要再適應
從兩腳, 到兩手, 到頭腦, 都跟我說要時間去習慣
真可笑
暫時就是這樣的走下去
對不對, 夠不夠應付之後的
就不確定了.........
我很清楚我要甚麼
但我是如何的微小
我把前路交托
感恩祂是聽禱告的神, 和祂一路的帶領
一路都有許多我不配得的恩典
感謝主 
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